Save the gory details...

Today I was thrown with the severe crazies...the funny type, the uninhibited type, the kitten-eating type.

Incident number one:
there was this one patient who was particularly feisty. she also had a really foul mouth. Really disgustingly foul.
So when another patient sat in her usual chair, she obviously did not take it lightly.

"HAQQ ALLA! FOXX KEMM GHANDEK! QUM MINN HEMM! ISSAAAAAAAAAAAAA! HAQQ OXXOK! HAQQ RAS-IL MADONNA!" she then lifted her dress up, and started hitting her genitalia and said: "GHAX INDAHHLEK HAWN GEW, U MA TOHROGX!!!!"

Incident number two:
This other old woman came up to me and my friend, asking us to do her make-up. when we finished she told us "ghax gej ir-ragel"

me: ehe? prosit!
my friend (in a jokey tone): oqoghod bil-ghaqal, eh!!
old lady: u leee, ahna ma naghmlu xejn...
my friend: heheheheh!
old lady:...ghax tieghi kbir wisq u tieghu zghir, u peress li ghandi zaqqi kbir u jaghti kollox, iddahhaluli minn wara!
me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(my friend gives me a horrified glare. I laugh harder and choke on my diet coke. Then crazy lady laughs very hard and throws up lunch.)

Sigh. I just love my work.

And the days go by...

Well,well,well, its a fine saturday morning, kind of hot but ok. but best of all I'm off, so no work for this nurse and her day will be spent pampering herself at the hairdresser, watching DVDs and possibly going to the Jazz festival again. Pity its so damn expensive, however it only comes once a year so whatever.

I have to be honest, I'm not the greatest Jazz enthusiast because I could never really get into the whole Jazz aura...I mean, yesterday it felt so weird watching back-ground music live. But I only say that because I haven't yet been roped in by its magic. However, due to my background in theatre, one thing I can really say is that these musicians absolutely love what they do. The expression of pure fun on their faces as they bob their heads to keep time will be stamped in my brain forever.

My man-friend, as my dad calls him, went to seriously enjoy the music. And while I was chatting to my friends I saw him sitting there, at attention, at a distance. He was enjoying himself. I sat next to him and started to rub his neck, because I knew the chairs would cause some discomfort. And as I watched him, I knew he was in pretty much a state of bliss- good music, his woman by his side, massaging his neck in time to the jazzy beats. And paradoxically I started to think to myself, "I bet that more often than not, I suck the joy out of his life with my pettiness because in reality, he's really easy to please." But then my feminist bitch side kicks in telling me that I don't have to please anyone. And then my sweet Nurse Pica reminds me that pleasing others is what I'm compelled to do.

Oh Boy. Then I was horribly confused.

But oh well. I think too much.

Shocking!

Today was shocking...literally.
I knew that in this ward they would carry out electro-shock therapy, so to prepare myself for the worst, I rented out “One flew over the cuckoo's nest.” Fantastic film. Its about a man who pleads insanity to prevent himself from getting thrown into jail and is instead thrown into a mental health institution. There is one horrible scene where he is given ECT without GA or muscle relaxants, however it was 1963, so I do not suppose things were as sophisticated as they are now. The most disturbing part was that this man started to make these stifled noises of pain and discomfort which really was a bit too much.
Well, at PU it was obviously much different, more humane. But I still couldn't help feeling my heart sink to my stomach. The room was stuffy and hot and the doctors and nurses crowded the room and when the shock was given, the patient's body convulsed, banging his foot on the wall while the teeth-guard in his mouth bounced and quivered. It was all a bit much. After watching 3 of them, I went to help out in recovery.
That helped a little because I realised that when it was all over, the patients looked normal and well, like nothing ever went on and their relatives drove them home. And their lives went on as usual.
I wasn't feeling very well and when the ECT room was empty I sat on a chair to think a bit. A nurse popped in and said in a playful way “oh, so you're next?” I said “NO!”.
But the thing is that it can easily be me or someone I know and love. What would happen then?
My grandfather who is now 85yrs old is a psychiatrist and he was telling me how practicing mental health care prepares you for everything. It also makes you realise how lucky you really are. I often look at my reflection and ask God why did he give me a big old nasty lump on my nose or goofy red hair and black eyebrows. I now realise just how superficial that all is. I'm sure that everyone in that unit would not mind being a little peculiar looking yet have a stable mental-status. I count my blessings now, I really do.

madness...i call it madness. 

slightly unmotivated

Tomorrow i have to go watch patients receive electro-shock-therapy and i was really excited at first but now im totally unmotivated. Well, its late so maybe im just tired, i dont know.

yeah i was excited. how sick, right? well, yeah i am sick because i see this stuff as entertainment. have you ever seen anyone get electro-shock-therapy? aren't you the slightest bit curious? well i am.

i just dont feel like watching it and assisting for 12hrs. I'm sure that by the 4rth hour, the thrill is gone. as usual, i will become immune and start dreaming about the novel in my back-pack. its called "the perks of being a wall-flower". I like it.

i was never a wall-flower. i was bullied at school. i guess i was a pressed flower...an Opressed flower. there are no perks in being an opressed flower...except being stronger afterward perhaps. i wouldnt know.

i have a crush on the boy in the novel...even though hes younger. i usually have an aversion to younger men...they have to be at least 7 yrs older. but anyway, i guess it doesnt matter cuz he's in a book. there is nothing special about this character except that he is so honest and endearing. i wish he could jump out of the book and watch tv with me and share his thoughts on life. we could make coffee. and when he's finished, he could just jump back in.

well, i now need to set my alarm for the inhumane hour of 5.30am so 2moro i can catch the 6.25am bus. i hope my dreams are so bad that waking up will be a relief rather than a struggle. apparentally cheddar cheese gives bad dreams...it also makes ur boobs grow...hmmmm....
oh well. good night.

Insane fetus

insane fetus

Sometimes I wonder if mental health patients are born with their problems or do they develope in time? therefore I give you all a picture of this fetus, a laughing fetus, with a hand on his head. In his haven, he is normal. No-one will judge him or try to cure him. He is allowed to simply be. Unfortunately, he can't stay in there forever.

Another day, another maddening experience.

Today was a challenge. Good Lord, thats being mild. My patience was certainly tried and tested today.
A patient mimicked me from 7am-7pm. I had a 12hr echo. Now looking back on the day's events, it was quite comical.
Me: Are you hungry?
Patient: Are you hungry?
Me: No, I'm not. Are you?
Patient: No, I'm not, are you?
Me: (to my friend) Oh dear.
Patient: Oh dear.
Me: Are you mimicking me?
Patient: Are you mimicking me?
Me: No! I mean, stop it!
Patient: Stop it!
At that point I was going to let out a primal scream. I knew it was a condition that comes about because these patients are not communicated with enough, but its still maddening. When a patient acts like that you can get nothing done, you can not get any answers and I ended up enforcing my wishes on the patient. It was lunch time, I thought she should be hungry so I fed her. She promptly spat out everything on my lap...this vile, pureed, semi-chewed orange mush. I assure you, even Oliver Twist would not say “Please sir, I want some more” to that gruel!
The staff did not treat us spectacularly well either. My friend and I got the impression that they were trying to make fun of us and that they were taking advantage of us. I was made to make half the ward's beds on my own. I know I should have refused and I should have been more assertive, especially since some of the beds could not be raised. Also, because my accent happens to sound slightly foreign, it is also criterion to treat me as a fool because “dik ma tifhimx.” I encounter this a lot, but today it was at its most apparent.
Today I saw red. But I kept my cool. However I hoped to heaven that I would never have to return to that ward.

Funny joke

A black guy and his wife are invited to a fancy dress party. He tells his wife to go and look for the costumes.
That night, when he gets back from work, he finds on the bed a SUPERMAN costume.Shouting, he says to his wife: "What the f##k is this? When have you ever seen a black SUPERMAN ?"
The wife is upset and goes back to the shop to exchange it. When the husband arrives, on the bed he sees a BATMAN costume and he shouts:"You are mad woman. When have you seen a black BATMAN ? Go and change it for something better."The wife is now very annoyed, she returns the costume and buys various things. On the bed she places 3 white buttons, a white belt and a wooden pole. When the husband returns and finds the objects on the bed, he says to his wife: "Whats this ?"

The wife responds: " Its so that you can choose your costume: if you take off your clothes and stick the buttons to your body you can go as a Domino. If you don't like that, you can wear the white belt and go as an Oreo biscuit, if your still not happy you can stick the pole up your a**e and go as a MAGNUM"

La solitudine

LA SOLITUDINE
Marco se n'è andato e non ritorna più
E il treno delle 7:30 senza lui
È un cuore di metallo senza l'anima
Nel freddo del matino grigio di città
A scuola il banco è vuoto,
Marco è dentro me
È dolce il suo respiro fra i pensieri miei
Distanze enormi sembrano dividerci
Ma il cuore batte forte dentro me
Chissà se tu mi penserai
Se con i tuoi non parli mai
Se ti nascondi come me
Sfuggi gli sguardi e te ne stai
Rinchiuso in camera e non vuoi mangiare
Stringi forte al te il cuscino
Piangi non lo sai
Quantro altro male ti farà la solitudine
Marco nel mio diario ho una fotografia
Hai gli occhi di bambino un poco timido
La stringo forte al cuore e sento che ci sei
Fra i compiti d'inglese e mathematica
Tuo padre e i suoi consigli che monotonia
Lui con il suo lavoro ti ha portato via
Di certo il tuo parere non l'ha chiesto mai
Ha detto 'un giorno tu mi capirai'
Chissà se tu mi penserai
Se con gli amici parlerai
Per non soffrire più per me
Ma non è facile lo sai
A scuola non ne posso più
E i pommeriggi senza te
Studiare è inutile tutte le idee
Si affollano su te
Non è possibile dividere
La vita di noi due
Ti prego aspettami amore mio
Ma illuderti non so
La solitudine fra noi
Questo silenzio dentro me
È l'inquietudine di vivere
La vita senza te
Ti prego aspettami perché
Non posso stare senza te
Non è possibile dividere
La storia di noi due.

My addicts

After getting my first taste of Mental health life I have to admit I was pretty excited about my second. In life I try to look at everything like an adventure and I am treating these placements at a mental health institution like a series of mini adventures with their own separate challenges.

In this unit, there are only males and all of them had some previous drug addiction, mostly heroin, a few on cocaine. However one can not just stop there. These patients are people, creative and even loving people who are very aware of social stigma and appreciate anyone who can see past the problem and past the addiction. I heard a colleague of mine saying how he began to “hate a patient's guts” because he pimped out his girlfriend to finance his heroin addiction. Well, yes its really horrible, but drugs take over your life and soul, and after some discussion, this patient opened up and even started to cry because he was so sorry about what he did. That sort of attitude, the “let's-hate-anyone-who-is-not-like-me” attitude makes me see red. Nobody can ever know what they would do in a situation like this patient was in. Also, life goes on. If we all remained in a rut and did not learn from our mistakes, we would still be in nappies having accidents on the floor.

I was really impressed by the group sessions that were carried out during the day. In the morning, they had a serious one and in the afternoon it was more like a game the group could learn from and learn a little about each other. The game was as follows:
There were a number of statements written down on bits of paper like "someone who talks a lot about drugs" or "someone who people can trust" and each person of the group had to pick up a statement and give it to whom it suits most. they gave me:

nicest eyes
sexiest person
biggest smile

I guess I made an impression.
I shared a conversation with a particular patient which really left an impression on me. Before I relate it, its useful information to know that I was born in Canada and I have my Maltese O level but I still find a lot of difficulty expressing myself, which sometimes makes me feel a little different from my friends, but I cope well.

I was speaking to this one patient in Maltese and i noticed he found it quite difficult to answer. Then finally he told me he was half Irish and he found difficulty expressing himself and sometimes felt marginalized by the others in the unit. For the first time I was able to truly empathize and from that moment on I spoke to this patient in English. He was so relieved by this that he began to tell me how he was feeling. He told me he had the power to stay clean and sober but he does not know why that when he enters the outside world he falls into addiction once again. He told me he had many thoughts running around his head. After some careful probing on my behalf he came to the conclusion that he has to get rid of his drug-using friends and change his crowd and possibly go join his twin sister in Dublin. From this patient, I got the impression that it was the first time in a long time that he was really listened to and that he expressed all he felt in a way that was comfortable for him.

In the morning, the patient was asked how he felt on a scale of one to ten, ten being the best, one being the worst. He chose two. In the afternoon, he was asked again and much to my happiness he said seven. I like to think I had something to do with it.

The mental health institution

I walked into The Children's mental health institute without really knowing what to expect. To be absolutely honest, all I heard were the negative aspects about the place. I promised myself to enter with an open mind and an open heart.

When I arrived at the unit with my colleague, we rang the door bell and we heard a dog barking, which I thought was great because I once read that animals can be a great source of therapy. Animals are always accepting and non-judgmental, which is just what these children needed.

The children eyed us with a certain amount of suspicion but I suppose that is normal and I began to acquaint myself with the patients and they honestly seemed to take a liking to us which was quite encouraging. I thought “Hey, this can't be half bad.” However, the next series of events showed me that these children will never be cured in such an environment.

Children are children. They do stupid things by adult standards, like roll on the floor or pretend they are Formula 1 drivers and they can be clumsy. One child accidentally brought down a curtain. He stepped on the edge of it while pretending to be a giant (he was only 10) and it came tumbling down. This child was screamed at, he was not allowed to explain himself and was placed in an isolation room for an hour. It is true that this child had a history of lying, but even murderers and child molesters are given a fair trial, so why was this child denied just that? It made me feel heartbroken. It also made me ask if the staff ever took a class in Helping Skills, and if they did, did they just study everything to pass the exam and forget it the next day?

Later on that day, I was speaking to this one 6-year-old child, a little boy. He started to fight with another little boy over a plastic toy. Instead of screaming at him, I tried to distract him by showing him all the animal noises I have in the ring tones of my mobile phone. Miraculously, it worked and it actually started rapport. He told me how his sister is also in another part of the mental health institute and how he tries very hard to be a “good boy.” It was really very endearing. When I was about to leave for break, we exchanged a dialogue that went like this:
little boy: So you're leaving me now?
Me: For a while, but I'll be back in a bit.
Little boy: You will be back, right?
Me: Yep, that's what I said.
Little boy: You're not lying, right?
Me: Of course I'm not lying. Why would I lie about something like that?
Little boy: Promise?
Me: Cross my heart.
Little boy: Good, because everyone seems to leave me. Now go, I'll see you later.
Me: If you want I'll stay, I don't mind.
Little boy: No, its fine. Bring me a Cornetto!

I thought to myself “Now that's out of the question because he already ate two this morning and I don't want to give him a tummy ache...not to mention I'm broke.”

I left for my break. When I got back, I really hoped he would expand on what he was trying to tell me, but he wouldn't and I did not want to force him. The little he told me was probably already a lot by his standards so I did not want to destroy his trust in me.
This experience was very satisfying. And I thanked God for my credit in helping skills!

i call this one human circus...drew it while i was bored at work