Worry Wart

i worry way too much. i did fine in my assignment, got a B actually but every time a result comes out i start to do myself in with this ever-pending sense of doom. i know its absolutely ridiculous but still i always expect myself to fail...and im one of the top 10 in the course. but this sense of self-doubt always looms over me and i can't understand why.

whenever i sense something about myself, i always try to trace it back to childhood but i cant really say i was never really discouraged as a child...most of the time i was ignored but in a good sense, because i was known to be trusted and independent.

i guess it has to do with the fact that in first yr i almost had to repeat the yr because in my practical i forgot to shake down the mercury of my thermometre. i ended up doing a very nervous resit and i passed that through the skin of my teeth. i guess then the grave realisation hit me...yes, i CAN actually fail due to something beyond my control, there is the possibility that i won't obtain my degree over something minimal. whereas before i never had a doubt regarding my academic ability now i really do because i have come to realise that obtaining the grade has little to do with academia...at the end of the day it boils down to luck and how you present yourself and the examiner's character.

now im entering my final year and i really should get over something that happened four years ago. i must think only in the present. the past is...well...past. i got through it and this is the final stage...im here, like everyone else. nothing else matters.

i know all this. so why am i still so very afraid?