machines and such crap

2 days ago i went entirely nuts. i totally lost it and got into a hysterical frenzy. i am usually a very composed individual, i get angry in a cool, calm and sophisticated manner and i dont let things really bother me because i am forever certain that i'll find a way out of any problem.

however, 2 days ago it was different.

i was typing a 4000 wrd assignment, a case study about heart surgery with alot of complications and unexplained blood results and i was sweating bullets just to write a paragraph. to make matters worse it was for the next day. after 3000 wrds i said i'll take a break and go for lunch. so i saved and closed all my windows and turned off my computer and left for the dining room.

when i came back, i turned on the computer, tried to access my text documents and for some reason, they wouldnt open. my whole word program was corrupted and i had lost everything.

and when i say i lost everything, i mean everything in all senses. i went crazy. composure went out the window. i let out a primal scream that could have made a banshee jealous. every curse word i knew fell from my lips. the poor teddy bear sitting on my bed got lynched and thrown against the wall. my anger made me so strong and violent i kind of felt like the incredible hulk, except smaller and not quite so green...but that was altered too, because all of a sudden i began to feel sick. there was this tightening in my stomach and i ran to the toilet and lost my lunch. my heart started to beat faster than ever and i slumped into a corner and watched in vain as my sister and father tried to recover the lost files and the past 5 days of non-stop research on heart surgery.

and i couldnt help but think, look at the amount of stress this put me through. is having a good career really worth all this struggle and all this crap?

the next day, i started from scratch and finished, only to find out that the deadline was moved to another week.

i think im about to do myself in.