Patience, patients

In nursing school we are taught that every patient is an individual, with individual needs and that the patient is unique and unlike any other.

Bull shit.

It is not politically correct, but patients can be categorized based on appearance, behaviour, odour and perverted comments. I have taken the liberty of publishing my analysis which has took me four years and it is most probably not yet concluded.

Oh what a fright
These are the patients who are afraid of everything. And I mean everything. A typical conversation with a patient like this is as follows:

*nurse approaches patient.

Patient: EEK!! what are you going to do to me?!

nurse: Nothing. I just wanted to ask if you needed assistance to wash yourself this morning.

Patient: AARGH! NO! EEK! How will I wash?

nurse: erm...um...with soap and water, perhaps?

Patient: ARGH! (patient promptly puts his head under his blanket)

Sigh. Next!


The chatterbox
These are the ones who can't shut up. Oh, and these generally constantly try to make you their personal slaves.

Nurse: Hi Mrs Jones, I just need to take your blood pressure and be on my way...
(hah! fat-bloody-chance!)

Mrs Jones: Oh nurse Pica, how are you! Is my blood pressure high?well,ifitis,itsallmymother'sfaultbecausehersideofthefamilyallsuffered
fromveryhighbloodpressurebecauseshedrankwhileshewaspregnantwithmeso
ImadesuretoneverdrinkwhileIwaspregnantwithmyMollywhobythewayhasabigpimpleonherleft
buttockwhichhaslatelyfilledwithpusanditstinkstohighheaven.
whatdoyouhavetodotobecomeanurse?mustyoudoalevelsbecausemyMollycan
doalevelseventhoughsheisnotverybrightbutshecanuseherheadonlyifshewantstoherboyfriendisa
doctoryouknowisyourboyfriendadoctor?Iguessnotyoudon'tlookthedoctor-lovingtypewithyourlargebehindandallihearddoctorslikethemsveltewhichyouarebutnotquiteif
youknowwhatImean...

Nurse: erm, yes I'd love to stay and chat (tremendous lie!) but I have other patients to look after...

Mrs Jones: OhokthenIwon'tkeepyouasecondlongerjustinformthedoctorthatIamreadyandwaitingforhim,
wellactuallydon'tbecausethatsoundsdesperatehee!hee!hee!wellinallhonestyI'mhappilymarriedtoalovelyyoungermanisn'tthatjustfabulous?okyoucangonow! Toodles!

Nurse: stuffitupyourdaughter'spimplyarse.

Mrs Jones: pardon?

Nurse: Have a lovely day and if you need anything call me! *insert sweet smile here.*

Crazy
Woo hoo hoo, we have LOADS of these. In fact, these should be categorized within their own rite.

• nudists: they feel the need to get naked even if its not bath time.
• the ones who call you their cats' names because they forgot yours
• the ones who throw things at you or pull your hair if you try to wash them
• biters
• the ones who claim to have slept with you at some point

and the list goes on and on and on.

Match makers

they all have the perfect man for me and he will most often be tattooed,toothless,jobless,witless and unfortunately, not odourless.

Sexually frustrated

While helping them bathe, they ask you specifically to wash them extra well between their legs (male or female) and to apply mosturizing cream, they purposely ask you to bend down and they "accidentally" grab on to your tunic while turning them so that the snap buttons come undone and your bra will be exposed to the patient and the other nurse that's helping you. With the more experienced patient, he will wait until your hands are full because your positioning him and then he lashes out at the tunic when you can't let go to fix it.

Then ofcourse there are those who...well...take care of themselves...if you know what I mean and you have to just be sure not to walk in on them.

The fuss pot

You give an injection.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! You're killing me!!! I will bleed to death!"

You check their blood glucose.

"OOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!!! You'll go to hell for this! Bitch! Child of Satan! Rosemary's baby!"

You wash their face.

"You're gonna drown me! HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLP!"

(if they are also part of the Crazy category, add some biting, throwing things and then calling you Ginger)

and ofcourse, the very rare Average Sick person.

He is admitted.

He stays in bed.

He bathes regularly.

He takes his pills.

He feels better.

He is discharged.

However, if there were many of these life would get boring. What makes my job interesting is the range of people I encounter, how I react to them and how they react to me. These reactions build up a relationship and upon this relationship a care strategy is built. And even though sometimes my patients can be a little unorthodox, I treat them equally and whereas many of their characteristics are the same, our relationships are different and I guess thats why I am successful.