quite the anti-climax

I haven't written for a very, very long time. I wasn't feeling emotionally stable to do so and I was afraid I'd end up writing something I would regret.

I did very well in all my final papers and in my thesis, but unfortunately I did not manage to pass my practical exam. I have the resit in September and I am quite sure I will pass but I also realise that if I don't, I am in danger of losing my degree.

The amount of enormous failure I have felt for the past month has been unfathomable. I have felt like I am a bad nurse, like an idiot. What is more, I never expected such a thing to happen to me...to possibly not graduate.

At the end of the day, what happens is supposed to happen, whether I pass or fail. If I pass, I guess this resit was jus some way of showing me that I need to work harder and be assertive. If I fail, (which I'm not going to do), it just goes to show that nursing wasn't for me in the first place. However I find that very hard to believe. I care for my patients alot. But lately I have realised that care is not what nursing is all about. Sometimes I think its about everything but care.

I went to Paris for a week. It was a much needed holiday. I had a few moments to forget this total disaster and rediscover myself as a person.

For the past four years nursing consumed me, I could never concentrate on anything else. In a way I lost myself. My relationships suffered. My mental status was impaired. And I am never ever letting that happen to me ever again.

This time, I am in charge. And I am not going to let anyone forget it. Especially myself.