try to figure out this life

Its quite late and i spent a whole day glued to a chair, studying mental health. I like that subject, its interesting especially personality disorders. Third year is coming to a close, provided I pass my exams and my life seems to be taking some sort of shape. I put on a brave face and take it because basically I haven't a choice in the matter, at this stage it is really just a question of do or die. So in this instance of no other option, I use choice in the only way I could and this is in my attitude. I believe its very comfortable to be depressed. It takes real guts to try to fight the most natural emotion one would feel in this position. The thing is, I have been fighting many different battles for the past three years; language barriers, classmates who are not exactly my kind of people, shit, piss and vomit; so why should I stop now?
The actual career of nursing in a hospital and getting a real pay and being part of the real adult world is not so far away anymore. In first year and second year I used to goof off so much because it all seemed so distant. But its here and I had better not fuck the whole thing up.
So now the real challenge is here. Not only in the form of written work and practice, but the notion that my career is set. There is no time to turn back. It would not even make any sense to back out now, when I am finally getting what I want, that all hallowed degree, the small bit of paper showing I am of some use to society.
Like every other university student I will do my thesis and slave away at my final year in order to be able to say good bye to studying forever. The funny thing is that I actually do wish to read for a masters which is quite a paradox to getting rid of studying forever...I'm simply inviting more work in, apart from hopefully being qualified and working inhumane shifts at the hospital. So why am I so excited to finish anyway?
I guess its because getting your first degree is like closing a chapter in one's life. Its sort of like, you got a degree, partly because you wanted it, it was what all your friends were doing and partly to put your parents' mind at rest and the rest is up to you. You did your duty. Now its time to decide what to really do with your life. Thus a new chapter is opened and this time its really in our hands. We will be 22 years old, our parents do not matter any more, our friends become insignificant and its the rest of our life, laid out on a table, waiting to be sliced up and distributed as we please. Or maybe I just see it this way.
Everyone I meet says that being a student is the best time of one's life. But I disagree. I can not wait to make that step, to be on that podium with my graduation hat and toga. That marvelous feeling of going home after a day's work, and not feeling that guilt that you should be studying, even though you are dead tired and your legs can not carry the weight of your body anymore. I can not wait to be able to just sit down on the couch and watch television after work and say fuck everyone, this is my time and I am guilt free.
Good-bye third year. It was fun. Actually it wasn't, but its fun to think I am a year closer to obtaining my goal.